Why "Inadequate Disciple"?

Why did I choose "Inadequate Disciple" as a blog title when I started this few years ago?  Because I am.  When Jesus says things like, you will know them by their fruits, and remain in me that you might bear fruit, and I don't know of any fruits following from this here branch, that speaks to my inadequacy.

What is this fruit?  Some write that the fruit could be virtue - in oneself - things like self-control, gentleness, temperance, prudence, integrity, fortitude.  Some write that it is good works, like the corporal and spiritual works of mercy.  Some others, especially when you read and reflect on The Parable of the Sower, would think that fruit is conversions.

It is true we don't always know about these fruits.  St. Therese of the Child Jesus and of the Holy Face (a.k.a. The Little Flower, St. Therese of Lisieux) lived a quiet life in a cloistered monastery yet she has born the fruit of many conversions - both initial conversions to the Lord, and then deeper commitments to the Lord when people read and are inspired by her life, her words, her prayers.

One of my favorite meditations by my priest and friend was that one of the joys we will have when we get to heaven is meeting people who will be waiting to thank us that they are there because of the suffering we offered in union with Christ’s and because of the prayers and sacrifices we offered on their behalf, whether we prayed for them by name, or whether we offered them for the intentions of the Immaculate Heart of Mary and the Sacred Heart of Jesus or simply for the conversion of sinners, and the poor souls in purgatory.

What incredible joy I had in this life when one person I worked with did take the steps to be reconciled – went to Mass, went to Confession, went to Communion, even began speaking about her faith in a community that likes to refer to God as “the universe”, and atheism, agnosticism, or only theism are the norm.

That only happened once, and at the time I started this blog, and still now, it bothers me.  Remember the question you get asked by the priest at least once a year in a homily, “if it were a crime to be a Christian, to be a Catholic, would there be enough evidence to convict you?” 

Well if part of the evidence is that I love being Catholic and that the joy, the love I feel and express through my Catholic faith are a treasure, and if I care at all about the people around me, the people God has orchestrated into my life that I might help with them finding salvation, finding the joy of the friendship with Jesus, communion with the Holy Spirit, then why weren’t there others who also converted?

 

It is not ourselves that we are proclaiming, but Christ Jesus as the Lord, and ourselves as your servants for Jesus's sake.  It is God who said, 'Let light shine out of darkness,' that has shone into our hearts to enlighten them with the knowledge of God's glory, the glory on the face of Christ.  But we hold this treasure in pots of earthenware, so that the immensity of the power is God's and not our own.  (2 Corinthians 4:5-7)

I looked up Inadequate Disciple in an internet search. One of the better posts I found on it was how the apostles were wholly inadequate to feed the 5000 men that gathered and did not have food to eat.  Yet the power of Jesus Christ manifested itself through their obedience to his mysterious orders.  Take these pieces (of couple fish and loaves of bread) and distribute it to the multitude, after you divide them up into 12 groups.  They were astounded.  They got to see the fruits of their trust and obedience that day.  They learned without a doubt that they could do nothing apart from the Power of Jesus the Messiah, but with him, 5000 men, plus women and children were fed, and there were enough leftovers collected in the 12 baskets (12 apostles) for each of them to more than eat their fill.

They had to put their human doubts and confusion aside and get out of the way in order for Christ's miracle to be accomplished through their efforts.  I don't think I do that well.  See all the I's?  That is part of the problem.

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Recently I had another moment to cooperate with the work of grace to draw someone into a more meaningful, loving, fulfilling relationship with Jesus, and felt myself to have been a miserable coward and totally living up to the title of this blog-- inadequate disciple.

A woman I work with, who was raised Catholic, attended Catholic school through high school, was confirmed, but was not going to church anymore.  Wasn’t even planning on going for Christmas.  When she first began sharing an office with me she rather frequently used the Lord Jesus’s name as a swear.  I said the Divine Praises a few times after Mass in reparation.  Because I love Jesus, and because the Holy Spirit has taught me how holy is the name of God, it hurts when someone does that.

I let it slip that I was going to daily Mass at a nearby church couple times a week, and then the use of Jesus’s name as a stress release seemed to stop, completely.

I took this lady out for a beer her last day at this client of ours.  I kind of sensed it was the last time I had to try to help her with her faith, possibly the last time we would talk in person, although she kept saying we would get together again.  She raised her objections.  I heard them before, but I don’t personally share them.  I wanted to keep the conversation going, and used examples of others that shared her objections to do so.

A day later I realized what a wimp I had been.  This was a pivotal opportunity.  I have already noticed a pattern with people I work with.  Usually when either they are leaving the place or I am there is the lifting of the “don’t talk religion and faith at work” rule and some free-flowing faith talk ensues.  It might come up before then, and I have been less veiled in recent years.  But it is at the end of our time working together that the faith conversation flows and we find out we share a common faith, a common love.  This time I knew it was not what we had in common that was important.  Still, I did not appeal to the Holy Spirit for inspiration, for the words to speak, the heart to hear.  

Another day or two passed and I wrote her an email with the subject “Colleen is a wimp”.  Here it is:

I was thinking back on our conversation at Durkin’s (whatever the name).  I think I was a wimp when we were talking about faith.  I get slightly uncomfortable struggling to keep relational connection and then failing to witness to the Christ, instead of overcompensating to your point of view.  Thank you for noticing my faith.  I am grateful for the gifts of grace that are my faith and the joy, strength, and more compassionate heart that comes from it.  There are plenty of reasons to reject Catholicism or Catholics, but none of them had much sway for me personally.  When we were talking I mentioned “my husband this”, and “a friend from work that”, to try to maintain the relational connection.  But for me personally, Jesus has grasped me from an early age, and through his grace, abundantly given to me through the Catholic Church, no reasons would keep me from receiving his grace in his Word, in his Sacraments (especially Confession and the Holy Eucharist), and through his priests and saints, and his Holy Mother, whose intercession is entirely the reason my husband and I are still married!  So, I very much hope you find your way back.  If not to the Church or a church in the near future, then why not just take the direct route highlighted by the pope in the following.   

Here it is from the original source from Papa Francesco:  http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/francesco/apost_exhortations/documents/papa-francesco_esortazione-ap_20131124_evangelii-gaudium_en.html#The_joy_of_the_gospel

1. The joy of the gospel fills the hearts and lives of all who encounter Jesus. Those who accept his offer of salvation are set free from sin, sorrow, inner emptiness and loneliness. With Christ joy is constantly born anew. In this Exhortation I wish to encourage the Christian faithful to embark upon a new chapter of evangelization marked by this joy, while pointing out new paths for the Church’s journey in years to come.

I. A joy ever new, a joy which is shared

2. The great danger in today’s world, pervaded as it is by consumerism, is the desolation and anguish born of a complacent yet covetous heart, the feverish pursuit of frivolous pleasures, and a blunted conscience. Whenever our interior life becomes caught up in its own interests and concerns, there is no longer room for others, no place for the poor. God’s voice is no longer heard, the quiet joy of his love is no longer felt, and the desire to do good fades. This is a very real danger for believers too. Many fall prey to it, and end up resentful, angry and listless. That is no way to live a dignified and fulfilled life; it is not God’s will for us, nor is it the life in the Spirit which has its source in the heart of the risen Christ.

3. I invite all Christians, everywhere, at this very moment, to a renewed personal encounter with Jesus Christ, or at least an openness to letting him encounter them; I ask all of you to do this unfailingly each day. No one should think that this invitation is not meant for him or her, since “no one is excluded from the joy brought by the Lord”.[1] The Lord does not disappoint those who take this risk; whenever we take a step towards Jesus, we come to realize that he is already there, waiting for us with open arms. Now is the time to say to Jesus: “Lord, I have let myself be deceived; in a thousand ways I have shunned your love, yet here I am once more, to renew my covenant with you. I need you. Save me once again, Lord, take me once more into your redeeming embrace”. How good it feels to come back to him whenever we are lost! Let me say this once more: God never tires of forgiving us; we are the ones who tire of seeking his mercy. Christ, who told us to forgive one another “seventy times seven” (Mt 18:22) has given us his example: he has forgiven us seventy times seven. Time and time again he bears us on his shoulders. No one can strip us of the dignity bestowed upon us by this boundless and unfailing love. With a tenderness which never disappoints, but is always capable of restoring our joy, he makes it possible for us to lift up our heads and to start anew. Let us not flee from the resurrection of Jesus, let us never give up, come what will. May nothing inspire more than his life, which impels us onwards!

4. The books of the Old Testament predicted that the joy of salvation would abound in messianic times. The prophet Isaiah exultantly salutes the awaited Messiah: “You have multiplied the nation, you have increased its joy” (9:3). He exhorts those who dwell on Zion to go forth to meet him with song: “Shout aloud and sing for joy!” (12:6). The prophet tells those who have already seen him from afar to bring the message to others: “Get you up to a high mountain, O herald of good tidings to Zion; lift up your voice with strength, O herald of good tidings to Jerusalem” (40:9). All creation shares in the joy of salvation: “Sing for joy, O heavens, and exult, O earth! Break forth, O mountains, into singing! For the Lord has comforted his people, and will have compassion on his suffering ones” (49:13).

Zechariah, looking to the day of the Lord, invites the people to acclaim the king who comes “humble and riding on a donkey”: “Rejoice greatly, O daughter Zion! Shout aloud, O daughter Jerusalem! Lo, your king comes to you; triumphant and victorious is he” (9:9).

Perhaps the most exciting invitation is that of the prophet Zephaniah, who presents God with his people in the midst of a celebration overflowing with the joy of salvation. I find it thrilling to reread this text: “The Lord, your God is in your midst, a warrior who gives you the victory; he will rejoice over you with gladness, he will renew you in his love; he will exult over you with loud singing, as on a day of festival” (3:17).

This is the joy which we experience daily, amid the little things of life, as a response to the loving invitation of God our Father: “My child, treat yourself well, according to your means… Do not deprive yourself of the day’s enjoyment” (Sir 14:11, 14). What tender paternal love echoes in these words!  (You:  “Why can’t we enjoy life?”)

5. The Gospel, radiant with the glory of Christ’s cross, constantly invites us to rejoice. A few examples will suffice. “Rejoice!” is the angel’s greeting to Mary (Lk 1:28). Mary’s visit to Elizabeth makes John leap for joy in his mother’s womb (cf. Lk 1:41). In her song of praise, Mary proclaims: “My spirit rejoices in God my Saviour” (Lk 1:47). When Jesus begins his ministry, John cries out: “For this reason, my joy has been fulfilled” (Jn 3:29). Jesus himself “rejoiced in the Holy Spirit” (Lk 10:21). His message brings us joy: “I have said these things to you, so that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be complete” (Jn 15:11). Our Christian joy drinks of the wellspring of his brimming heart. He promises his disciples: “You will be sorrowful, but your sorrow will turn into joy” (Jn 16:20). He then goes on to say: “But I will see you again and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you” (Jn 16:22). The disciples “rejoiced” (Jn 20:20) at the sight of the risen Christ. In the Acts of the Apostles we read that the first Christians “ate their food with glad and generous hearts” (2:46). Wherever the disciples went, “there was great joy” (8:8); even amid persecution they continued to be “filled with joy” (13:52). The newly baptized eunuch “went on his way rejoicing” (8:39), while Paul’s jailer “and his entire household rejoiced that he had become a believer in God” (16:34). Why should we not also enter into this great stream of joy?

6. There are Christians whose lives seem like Lent without Easter. I realize of course that joy is not expressed the same way at all times in life, especially at moments of great difficulty. Joy adapts and changes, but it always endures, even as a flicker of light born of our personal certainty that, when everything is said and done, we are infinitely loved. I understand the grief of people who have to endure great suffering, yet slowly but surely we all have to let the joy of faith slowly revive as a quiet yet firm trust, even amid the greatest distress: “My soul is bereft of peace; I have forgotten what happiness is… But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning. Great is your faithfulness… It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord” (Lam 3:17, 21-23, 26).

7. Sometimes we are tempted to find excuses and complain, acting as if we could only be happy if a thousand conditions were met. To some extent this is because our “technological society has succeeded in multiplying occasions of pleasure, yet has found it very difficult to engender joy”.[2]I can say that the most beautiful and natural expressions of joy which I have seen in my life were in poor people who had little to hold on to. I also think of the real joy shown by others who, even amid pressing professional obligations, were able to preserve, in detachment and simplicity, a heart full of faith. In their own way, all these instances of joy flow from the infinite love of God, who has revealed himself to us in Jesus Christ. I never tire of repeating those words of Benedict XVI which take us to the very heart of the Gospel: “Being a Christian is not the result of an ethical choice or a lofty idea, but the encounter with an event, a person, which gives life a new horizon and a decisive direction”.[3]

8. Thanks solely to this encounter – or renewed encounter – with God’s love, which blossoms into an enriching friendship, we are liberated from our narrowness and self-absorption. We become fully human when we become more than human, when we let God bring us beyond ourselves in order to attain the fullest truth of our being. Here we find the source and inspiration of all our efforts at evangelization. For if we have received the love which restores meaning to our lives, how can we fail to share that love with others?  (ßand here is where I failed, and hopefully Papa Francisco can fill in the gap I left unfilled!)

Happy New Year!  If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t bother to send this note.  And if I care at all it is because Jesus loves me, and he wants you to know that and that this upcoming day, this upcoming year will be the year that your friendship with him grows.  It is a bit overwhelming isn’t it, that he wants to be your friend.   I think the unrequited love that you no doubt experienced in some of your friendships taught me the most about how much he loves each of us at a personal level, and how great a debt I owe him. 

As Jesus told St. Margaret Mary when she was seeing a vision of him with his Sacred Heart showing:

"Look at this Heart which has loved men so much, and yet men do not want to love Me in return."

You are obviously striving to be a good and helpful person, and it seemed to me like you would like to have a stronger connection to God, but you don’t right now.  Sorry I was too wimpy to tell you this in person, but now you have a nice long email to read and consider. 

Heck if the Jehovah Witnesses and Mormons can go door-to-door, at least I can send an email. 

If you would like to try a morning or evening meditation time each day, I highly recommend The Better Part by Fr. John Bartunek.  It contains the full text of the Gospels and meditation on 4 different levels for each day’s short passage.  The four levels are:  1) Christ the Lord, 2) Christ the Teacher, 3) Christ the Friend, and 4) Christ in My Life. Here is an example from last Sunday’s Gospel:  http://rcspiritualdirection.com/blog/2013/12/25/5-the-suffering-begins-mt-2-13-23. 

Another great book is Consoling the Heart of Jesus by Fr. Michael Gaitley.  This is a do-it-yourself retreat that I found very helpful over the past couple of years.  My priest friend that was battling stage 3 colon cancer recommended it to me.

God Bless You, including providing your next job –

Colleen

The 200 Word Post

Is it possible?  It is for some.  They don't post unless it fits their blog theme, and they make every word count.  

I usually think to write after the Lord teaches me something.  He has been teaching me from the book of Wisdom lately.  I think it is the Holy Spirit that is drawing me back to that book so often over the last year.  This is one content rich book.  I’ve been reading and re-reading it in three translations:  Douay-Rheims, RSV-2CE, New Jerusalem.

 

Inspirational quotes from just the first 5 chapters.

Seek him with sincerity of heart (from Wis. 1:1)

He manifests himself to those who have faith in him (from Wis. 1:2)

The just shall shine (from Wis. 3:7)

Their Lord shall reign forever (from Wis. 3:8)

For the precious gift of faith shall be given to him (from Wis. 3:14)

There were some who pleased God and were loved by him (from Wis. 4:10)

His soul being pleasing to the Lord (from Wis. 4:14)

Behold, how they are numbered among the children of God, and their lot is among the saints.  (Wis: 5:5)

For the fruit of honest labours is glorious. (Wis.3:15)

Here’s a comforting and encouraging teaching that appears twice:

Those who trust in him will understand the truth, those who are faithful will live with him in love;For grace and mercy await his holy ones, and he intervenes on behalf of his chosen.  (Wis. 3:9 NJB)
 

They that trust in him shall understand the truth; and they that are faithful in love, shall rest in him; for grace and peace are to his elect. (Wis. 3:9 (DRB)

 That grace and mercy await his chosen ones and that he intervenes on behalf of his holy ones. (Wis. 4:15)

 But the upright live forever,
Their recompense is with the Lord, and the Most High will take care of them.For he will shelter them with his right hand and with his arm will shield him. (Wis. 5:15, 16b) 

I don’t even think I can keep this under 500 words, let alone 200.

What these words stir up in me is holy desire.  Do you desire, like me, to seek God with sincerity of heart?  I don’t seek God because of the promises of rewards.  I am not attracted to those verses in the Bible.  Sincerity of heart . . . the heart he created. 

I remember the nuns, well, Sr. Angela in particular, telling us that we can repent of our sins because of either fear of punishment or because we are sorry because we offended God and we love Him, and that the second one was better.  Of course it is better to love God than to just fear the punishment of God.  It seems just as shallow to me to get fired up for God because of the promise of reward, even though he offers it. 

The blessing of having a sincere heart is seeking after God, wanting to read the Scriptures as his love letter, wanting to spend time in Adoration in front of the Blessed Sacrament, wanting to receive Jesus in Holy Communion because He has loved me, and I love him.  Holy Desire, holy affection.  But what of dryness when the Lord tests our will when we persist in our acts of Love even when we don't feel holy affection.  Wisdom has a verse for that too:

God was putting them to the test
and has proved them worthy to be with him;
he has tested them like gold in a furnace,
and accepted them as a perfect burnt offering.
At their time of visitation, they will shine out.  (Wisdom 3:5b-6) 

He revealed himself to me, and he revealed himself to me not just in knowledge in the Catechism about his attributes, but to my spirit, my heart, he reveals himself as Love, as Goodness, as Mercy.  His Son reveals the gentleness and kindness of God, and the completeness of his total self-giving in order to make this whole experience of communing with Him in my spirit possible.  It is my holy desire that the gift of faith given to me would be cultivated in me by the sanctifying work of the Holy Spirit, that my soul would be pleasing to the Lord.

I know I trust in Him ultimately, and I know I need to trust in him more in the moment, no matter how ordinary or no matter how unexpected or pivotal.  I know truth, because I know Jesus who is the way, the truth and the life. 

I put my trust in him and I delight that our Lord will live forever, that the Most High takes care of us, that - Praise be to God - Grace and mercy await us and He intervenes for us!

I believe the Most High doesn’t just intervene for us at the moment of our personal judgment when he grants our salvation because of our belief and trust in Jesus the beloved Son of God who sacrificed his life to save us, but also that he intervenes in the here and now.  Even now God shelters and shields us.  What you have pain, and suffering, and disappointment, and sorrow?  If he permits it, it is for your good, and if you unite the suffering with that of His Son, for the good of others that they might come to know Jesus, and walk eternally with Him.  That they might know grace, mercy, peace, and God's intervention on their behalf too!

(Word Count 907;  200 Word Post is not possible for this inadequate disciple!)

In fact, it is going to continue now because I lament that the Protestant Canon excludes this book.  It isn’t part of their 66 book Bible.  It is a shame.  It is such a great book.  It also seems to teach against the Calvinist doctrines of : 

• The total depravity of man
• The sovereign unconditional election of God
• The irresistible grace of God

When I read They that trust in him shall understand the truth; and they that are faithful in love, shall rest in him; for grace and peace are to his elect. (Wis. 3:9 (DRB) It says to me that it takes the response of man to trust in God in order to understand the truth.  Then those that are faithful to the truth, the Law of Love, the commandments of the Most High, they find rest in God – because grace and peace are to his elect.  They are elect, because they trust, because they understand truth, and because they are then faithful in love.  

They are not elect, simply because they are elect.  They do not come to understanding of the truth or become faithful because of  irresistible grace.  They do not come to understand or be faithful apart from grace, but they do have free will, and they must respond with trust in order to receive the gifts of salvation:  grace and peace.  This thought coincided with statement by Marcus Grodi with a Presbyterian minister on Journey Home.  Those who believe in pre-destination do not put value on the Fiat of Mary.  One of the reasons they do not understand the veneration of Mary is they do not put value on free will response.  Mary could have said no, instead of "I am the Handmaid of the Lord.  Be it done unto me according to thy word.".  So could all of us.  Even St. Paul, knocked on his behind by the brilliant, glory of Christ the King, could have said no, although that particular conversion is as close as one might experience to the "irresistible grace of God"!  

The Lord Teaches You!

¹⁷ Thus says the Lord,   your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel:I am the Lord your God,   who teaches you for your own good,   who leads you in the way you should go. ¹⁸ O that you had paid attention to my commandments!   Then your prosperity would have been like a river,   and your success like the waves of the sea; (Isaiah 47:17-18)

This is from the first reading at Mass yesterday.  Don't you love that the Lord teaches us for our own good and leads us in the way we should go?

I was very surprised last week while talking to a sidewalk counselor outside of a Chicago abortion facility.  This woman is extremely faithful to her calling to be there before and after women visit the facility.  Our own group goes to this clinic one Saturday a month, and to another in the suburbs one Saturday a month.  This woman goes to this clinic every single Saturday morning.  Not just for an hour and a half, as our group does, but from 6:45 a.m. to 11:00 a.m or later.  

Last Saturday was really super cold.  I could not feel my feet past the arch.  My toes were still there, but I could no longer feel them.  This woman dressed more intelligently than me.  She knew about "smart wool" socks that kept your toes from going numb.

St. John Cantius Church, Chicago

What surprised me was this faithful woman, who is putting the Psalms to music, was very scared of her personal judgment.  I told her about going to the Latin High Mass at St. John Cantius Church in Chicago.  The priest didn't make jokes, he actually gave a pretty scary homily covering the last things, death, personal judgment, the last judgment, heaven, hell, purgatory--with its cleansing fire.

He had said, "It isn't a teaching of the Church, but a doctor of the Church, St. Thomas Aquinas, said the suffering of purgatory is greater than any suffering that can be endured on this earth."

That isn't actually a correct quote by the way.  I'll have that in a moment for you.  

But geez, that is scary isn't it?  I had come to think of purgatory along the lines of what St. Catherine of Genoa spoke of, that the real knowledge of the love of God and his holiness purified her with moans and groans and led her to do penances, but I no longer thought of it as "fire" after reading her account.  Still there is passage from The Way of Love by Sr. Josefa Menendez, a personal revelation--again not a teaching of the church that describe it more of a place.

I am not scared of my personal judgment.  Are you?  I know I am a sinner, I know that I do not resemble Jesus, meek and humble of heart, rich in compassion.  But for some reason, I trust that he has me, that he has grasped me, and he has made me his own. (see Philippians 3:12)

Do you pray when you read the Bible?  Do you believe that the Holy Spirit uses Scripture to "teach you for your own good"?

One of the objectives I feel is impressed on me most, by the Holy Spirit, while preparing and teaching my 1st and 2nd grade Religion School class, is to teach them that reading the Bible can be like reading a love letter from God to us.  I really try to get the kids hooked on reading the Bible, that they will learn things about God's Glory and Power and Love and Mercy in its words that are actually purposely hidden from them in the things they will hear in the world.  I teach them that there is a difference between a person that goes to church or tries to be a good person, and a person that faithfully turns to the Bible to be taught and loved by God in its words.  

There are people that go to church but don't understand the commandments to love and to forgive and to pray for our enemies.

There are people that go to church but don't understand that we are forbidden to indulge in horoscopes or fortune telling.

There are people that go to church and don't understand the clear warnings of St. Paul on drunkenness and fornication. (see Ephesians 5:3)  Of course it doesn't help when we get this reading at church and the priest squirms while it is proclaimed and then doesn't touch it with a 100 foot pole during the homily.

There are people that have been brought up Catholic or Protestant or Jewish and then personally use the Lord's name in vain, including the Lord Jesus Christ's name in vain repeatedly during the day.  You know what? I've never heard a priest mention why this is sinful, shameful and sad in a homily at Mass?  I've heard a priest speak powerfully on how powerful the name of Jesus is, but not to mention how horrific it is that someone "who has been given much" (see Luke 12:47-49) i.e. the gift of faith and knowledge of Christ's sacrifice, could then routinely use the name of Jesus Christ in place of a curse word when they are angry.  How many parents model this behavior for their children?

One of the first things that I think is impressed on someone that reads Scripture is that the holiness of God and his name are connected.  When I hear people say "Jesus Christ" like other people use the f-bomb, it hurts.  I pray for them.  I pray the Divine Praises after Communion in reparation for their blasphemy.  

There seems to be quite a bit of this at my current job.  During the third week we were doing a production conversion and a Chinese woman that probably knows very little about Jesus Christ, kept saying his name as a swear with a very think Chinese accent.  Then another project manager consultant was put in a room with me.  She seems to have gone to Catholic high school and she too was regularly saying Jesus Christ in anger throughout the day.  This seems to have dropped off since I let her know I get over to the Daily Mass at Old St. Patrick's a couple times a week.  

Sorry for the rant there.  Back to my point . . . the Lord does teach us and guide us on our path. Is he doing this for you?  He has undeniably been doing this for me in abundance since as long as I can remember.  Truly the cup of my understanding, my faith, my love for Him has been growing as a result of what he began teaching me through Holy Scripture, through the saints, through people pursuing holiness and greater love of God and neighbor, and  through prayer throughout my life. (see Psalm 23:5)

When you read passages like the following, you know he is telling you, "come closer.  I want to hold you close to my heart.  I love you more than you can understand.  Trust in me!  It hurts me when you don't trust in me!"

The Lord called me before I was born,   while I was in my mother’s womb he named me. (Isaiah 49:1)
¹⁴ But Zion said, ‘The Lord has forsaken me,   my Lord has forgotten me.’ ¹⁵ Can a woman forget her nursing-child,   or show no compassion for the child of her womb?Even these may forget,   yet I will not forget you. ¹⁶ See, I have inscribed you on the palms of my hands; (Isaiah 49:14-16)

Besides scripture, two saints in particular teach us what it means to trust God and to trust him wholeheartedly for our salvation because his mercy, his Divine Mercy, which gushed from his pierced side in the form of his Precious blood and water.  He is our mediator before the justice of God.  These two saints are St. Faustina and St. Therese of the Child Jesus and of the Holy Face.  

St. Therese's Offering to Merciful Love (long version) focuses on the fact that there is nothing we can do to merit heaven, instead we rely on the love of God who spared not his only beloved Son (John 3:16), and on the merits of Jesus, on his heart burning with Love.

Since You loved me so much as to give me Your only Son as my Savior and my Spouse, the infinite treasures of His merits are mine. I offer them to You with gladness, begging You to look upon me only in the Face of Jesus and in His heart burning with Love.  

We should all realize that God's condescension to save us, his Mercy is greater than we can imagine.

How quickly we in our humanity are to overlook a coldness or slight from a friend we love.  

How quickly I grab my own child in my arms when he looks at me with pleading eyes, and is yelling through tears, "Mom, I am sorry," looking for forgiveness and a hug.  

God is Pure Love.  God is Kindness.  God is Compassion.  God is Mercy.  Why would I fear him when he has already led me in the path I should go.  And what is that path?  It is to follow the Good Shepherd by reading, knowing, and following his teaching and example.  By asking him to hold us close to his heart that we might be transformed by his love and mercy.

I told this woman that I don't think it will be as fearful as she imagines.  I think she will experience different emotions than fear.  We have the hope and assurance that we will see Jesus Christ face to face when we die.  He will be shining in glory, brighter than the sun, his clothes brighter than the snow as was described in the Gospel accounts of the Transfiguration.  

His eyes will be full of love and mercy toward us.  We may be filled with deep regret, that we may even experience viscerally like St. Catherine of Genoa writes, that we were anything less than adoring, loving and seeking after his will and following his commandments faithfully in life.

But how will we not be ecstatically happy, filled with joy beyond this life's comprehension, as one priest said, "take the happiest you've been in your life and multiply it by infinity", to have the privilege of being in front of him, and knowing that he has given us the gift of eternal life with him?

This is what St. Thomas Aquinas actually said about purgatory:
St. Thomas Aquinas, Summa Theologia, Two Notes on Purgatory

It seems that the pains of purgatory are greater than all pains of this life. The pain of loss (that is, the pain of delay in coming to the beatific vision) is the greater of the two types of pain in purgatory. The lesser is the pain of sense.

Trust

 

Often quoted but every time I read it I think, "You mean right now? Even about this?"

 

I apologize I haven't been blogging much of late.  I might be able to work toward a once a week posting schedule in the future.  My new job has given me the excitement of taking the commuter train daily in and out of Chicago, but also means a 60-90 minute commute each way, each day--the longest of my adult life, and not much has changed with the usual load of cooking, homework support, sports, pro-life, and Sunday school teaching time commitments.

 

This post will be short as it is really a means of procrastinating updating a presentation due for tomorrow, and I don't want to work all night like I did last week.  I needed to get this job and to do well as our bank account was in the red for several reasons.  Now I am very focused on simply providing for our family.  This has given me a new found discipline of arriving before 8 a.m. each day.  For some people that is the norm, but it never has been for me.

 

I don't find much time to exercise now as I did during my extended summer hiatus from work.  I think I need to find a way to do that though as I notice I feel a persistent, anxious tension in my throat and chest the past few days.  I think it comes from the stress of the commute and needing to do well at this job.  Hard workouts help me keep a better handle on these types of stress reactions.  I think my body needs to be exerted so as to not over-react to what are daily stresses.  However, it is really hard to exercise at 5:30 a.m., or to exercise after 9:30 p.m. at night when you have been up since 5:30 a.m.  I have tried to drink more decaf and less regular coffee to see if that helps, but pretty sure I need to pray and find a way of exercising 3 times a week.

Scripture continues to be so important for me to hear God and sense his active love and care for me in the moment, no matter how removed from God that moment seems to be.  Have been praying the Scriptural Rosary some mornings on the train, and attending Daily Mass at 12:10 in downtown church on a couple workdays each week.  Also there are books I am reading and random Facebook posts from pages I've liked, that provide steady flow of scripture verses for me to consider, and if they strike me, share with my FB friends.   It helps fill the void of actually blogging!

 

I was surprised by an instant message on MS Office Communicator on Tuesday.  Someone newly assigned to my project team asked me if he had seen me in St. Patrick's church the previous day.  So now we can encourage each other to attend.  I think he is getting there more often than me,  and as I want to attend more, knowing him will help.  Sometimes I think I really need that extra 30 minutes to finish something, but Mass is so much more than 30 minutes more toward a task!  Adoring God!  Being fed by the Word and the Body of Christ, and being lifted up seeing others that also left the office to worship!  I can't attend Mass on the train ride, but I can easily make up that 30 minutes on my laptop while riding home.

 

Interestingly he is an India Indian and he doesn't have a first name like a saint.  I hope to hear his story sometime.  He is obviously in love with Jesus.  I told him how blessed I was to be so close to a window that has non-blocked view of Old St. Patrick's.  His response?  "You are fortunate to sit there and be so often reminded of Jesus."  This was from our first instant message exchange.  How can you not feel that joy well inside of you when you unexpectedly encounter someone else that loves Jesus and is not so careful to keep that hidden?

 

Last week I had a similar chance encounter.  My train stopped suddenly at a stop about midway between Chicago and my suburb.  The train immediately ahead of us had struck a pedestrian, which means delays of 2-3 hours for the coroner and police investigation.  My daughter was playing in what might have been her final high school volleyball match, so when they opened the doors I exited immediately and had Siri find me a taxi service.  I called right away, but there was a cab from that company waiting already.  Some other stranded commuters tried to get him to take them, but he said he was waiting for someone else.  They were also pretty demanding with him.  I stood there quietly waiting as I saw him make a call.  When he got off I edged over to the cab and told him I had ordered a cab . . . he asked where I was going and then told me to get in.  His other fare hadn't shown up, and I guess I struck him as less rude than the others that were asking him.

 

It turned out this was another chance encounter with a devout Catholic.  He is 74 and he told me his and his wife's date night each week is an Adoration hour at his church in Park Ridge.  We talked about EWTN, St. Faustina, St. Augustine, and St. Monica.  He, like another couple I met at Mundelein Seminary when Father Barron was offering Mass, was frustrated that his adult children were no longer attending Mass.  I tried to encourage him as I did earlier with the other couple with the story of my friend, who had been away for many years, and did not return to regular Mass attendance until after she turned 40.

 

I'm not sure if I'll ever see the cab driver again, nor if a good friendship will grow between me and my co-worker, but I have a sense that we'll be seeing each other on the other side some day.  Thank God, Our Father, for having drawn all of us to him through Jesus, the beloved Son he did not spare so as to save us.

 

Yes this post seems to lack a theme with random updates.  I am trusting God.  I still long for when I am in more constant awareness and communication with God through the indwelling of the Holy Spirit.  In the meantime I love and trust God, and seek his will when I remember, and he beckons to me through scripture, through friends, including through unexpected new friends that share my faith.