Take Up Your Cross

Just a quick thank you first to God.  Thank you my Lord and God. I want to love you with all that you have given me:  body, mind, soul, and strength, not just in this moment, or just in front of your Eucharistic presence . . . or just in a moment of reflection on the magnitude of your sacrifice.  I want to love you with constancy like you love me.

Then Jesus told his disciples, "If any want to become my followers, let them deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me."  Matthew 16:24

I just read what was a sad post, as posts that speak honestly of someone suffering are sad.  This post had a spiritual maturity to it that I recognize, but cannot claim.  Most of you may have already read it, but if not, when you do I think you'll notice something to the ending.  Link is at the close of this.

It reminds me of the transformation we get to observe in St. Peter during the Gospels.  Thanks to the Father, Peter gets that Jesus is the Messiah, the Son of God, through whom we have salvation, but still, in his human love and mind, he wants the Lord to avoid the grievous suffering and rejection that Jesus keeps telling his friends is coming.

Even in the middle of the Transfiguration, when Moses and Elijah are conversing with Jesus about his upcoming Passion, Peter is just a little slow in processing the meaning of this, and with no idea what else to say suggests raising some tents.  When Jesus says this is the hour, pray not to be put to the test, poor Peter escapes to sleep.  I really love Peter, and these moments when I see myself in how he acts, make me love him more.  He does eventually very much get the lesson of the cross, the lesson I am still learning.

It will clearly take the Holy Spirit's transformation of my mind, soul, and strength--will, to embrace the crosses in mine and others lives according to the will of God, for me to encourage, love, and pray for those who are doing what Jesus asks, taking up their cross and following him.

Some saints, like St. Therese and St. Faustina, came to rejoice in their suffering, seeing the time and sacrifices they had on earth as so short, and even imagining that they would miss the ability to offer suffering in love in heaven.

I keep going through my life praying for miracles.  I want and pray for infertile people to have babies unassisted.  I want and pray for crippled elderly and children alike to be made well.  I don't go over and put my hands on them, and I have a mother who used to pray over me that way when I had a headache, but I pray silently, fervently.

When my friend and priest had cancer, I prayed for healing -- immediate healing.  I was in the confessional with him, and as I know by faith that Jesus is standing right there behind his Priest, I asked Jesus in my mind, even as I was multi-tasking listening to the advice of the priest, to please heal his servant right now of all the cancerous tumors.  I wanted his oncologist, surgeon, whomever, to find a miracle healing the next time they checked.  I also prayed for him and his family to have strength, faith, consolation in the midst of their cross, but I was hoping for a miracle.

When a co-worker lost a newborn daughter, I prayed for resurrection.  I even asked my church friends to pray this too.  It wasn't the only intention. I also prayed for the consolation and the faith of the parents, but I prayed that Jesus, would have compassion, like he had on the Widow in Nain, and would just tell that little baby girl to wake up.

I'm a bit like Peter there, I guess.  I do pray for God's will, but I really want in my too human heart and mind, for the crosses to be lifted, for the suffering to cease.

Besides the dear woman's post link that is coming up -- soon, here are a few related quotes that are helpful. I am still going to keep praying for miracles on the down-low, while still also praying for the faith, consolation, peace, and strength of Christ for the ones carrying the crosses.

"Here, I see you all at the end of the journey which you have yet to complete, living and sacrificing yourselves for the glory of God.  Here, I see you already in glory which awaits you, at the end of your painful sufferings.
You also should think of yourselves as being in the light of my Immaculate Heart, and live serene and content.
Live in joy, because your names have already been written in heaven."  ( To The Priests Our Lady's Beloved Sons, p. 273 December 31, 1979, paragraph j-k)

Here is quote from Francis DeSales re: the cross in our lives: 

The Everlasting God has in His wisdom foreseen from eternity the cross He now presents to you as a gift from His inmost Heart.  This cross He now sends you He has considered with His all-knowing eyes, understood with His divine mind, tested with His wise justice, warmed with His loving arms and weighed with His own hands that it not be one inch too large and not one ounce too heavy for you. He has blessed it with His holy name, anointed it with His grace, perfumed it with His consolation, taken one last look at you and your courage, and then sent it to you from heaven, a special greeting from God to you, an alms from the all-merciful love of God.

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.  (1 John 4:18b) 

From St. John of the Cross (bold emphasis is mine, italic emphasis is St. John's)

  Though holy doctors have uncovered many mysteries and wonders, and devout souls have understood them in this earthly condition of ours, yet the greater part still remains to be unfolded by them, and even to be understood by them.

  We must then dig deeply in Christ. He is like a rich mine with many pockets containing treasures: however deep we dig we will never find their end or their limit. Indeed, in every pocket new seams of fresh riches are discovered on all sides.

  For this reason the apostle Paul said of Christ: In him are hidden all the treasures of the wisdom and knowledge of God. The soul cannot enter into these treasures, nor attain them, unless it first crosses into and enters the thicket of suffering, enduring interior and exterior labours, and unless it first receives from God very many blessings in the intellect and in the senses, and has undergone long spiritual training.

  All these are lesser things, disposing the soul for the lofty sanctuary of the knowledge of the mysteries of Christ: this is the highest wisdom attainable in this life.

Would that men might come at last to see that it is quite impossible to reach the thicket of the riches and wisdom of God except by first entering the thicket of much suffering, in such a way that the soul finds there its consolation and desire. The soul that longs for divine wisdom chooses first, and in truth, to enter the thicket of the cross.

  Saint Paul therefore urges the Ephesians not to grow weary in the midst of tribulations, but to be steadfast and rooted and grounded in love, so that they may know with all the saints the breadth, the length, the height and the depth – to know what is beyond knowledge, the love of Christ, so as to be filled with all the fullness of God.

  The gate that gives entry into these riches of his wisdom is the cross; because it is a narrow gate while many seek the joys that can be gained through it, it is given to few to desire to pass through it.

Here is the link I promised you from the Little Soul:  http://theholyfaceofjesus.wordpress.com/2011/10/17/give-me-children-or-i-shall-die-genesis-301/

There is a good book on suffering if you are looking for one:  John Paul II and the Meaning of Suffering: Lessons from a Spiritual Master.

Patronage Meme

Karinann of The Daughter of the King as well as Anne from Imprisoned in My Bones have tagged me for this very heavenly meme. Assuming you are a saint, and your cause has been executed, your miracles confirmed, your date on the calendar established, all that is required is to select that of which Holy Mother Church will name you Patron (ess).

Here are the rules:

*Name your patronage

*Tag 5 other saintly bloggers

*Give link to your nominator's post.

Like the others that have accepted the challenge of this meme, I have been struggling with my unworthiness to even consider such a future occurrence as this.

The title of my blog is precisely because I realize how inadequate I am to bring Christ's healing, love, and mercy to others, and to lead others to him. 

I am lacking in the experience of suffering that I reverence in others,  beginning with the incomprehensible suffering of Christ in his passion, the tortures endured by the saints, to those I have been privileged to meet in my life that have truly suffered from what they have endured in this life.  People that I have known who have suffered are more mature than me, have greater empathy and understanding than me, have greater inner strength. 

Back to the Meme:  Two questions I asked myself to name my patronage:
1) What has stirred me to the most intense heart-churning prayer?
2) What evokes the strongest reactions in me that I would like to be able to affect with my intercessory prayers in heaven?

1) What has stirred me to the most intense heart-churning prayer?

In the last year this has been praying for those who have lost infants.  Three people that I know have experienced this profound loss and grief within the past 7 months.

In addition I met many mothers online, through their blogs, as in an effort to better understand, and find some way to console, I spent a few nights crying while reading the blogs of those that have suffered miscarriage, stillborn births, and neonatal loss.

The most intense prayer I have prayed this year was during the miscarriage scare of my friend and co-worker, shortly after she saw her baby's heartbeat for the first time.  This dear woman had lost her first baby, who was stillborn at 24 weeks, and had suffered an early miscarriage shortly before I met her.

We were at work, in our shared office, when she started experiencing very painful cramping.  She was sitting across from me in pain.

I was so scared for her.  Aware that I do not have a healing charism, but I always have the gift of prayer, I typed, (typing helps me pray, especially when someone is in pain in front of me and I am scared for her and lack the fortitude to pray out loud)

Lord Jesus Christ,
Please extend your hand to calm the mini-storm inside of her.  Please un cramp and smooth whatever is cramping.  Please give her peace and let her feel better now—please. Please protect this pregnancy.  Please forgive her any sins, forgive her anything that she should have done or not done.  Please see her, I know you do, with all the tenderness I know you have for her Lord.  You are moved by compassion Lord, please move now to heal her completely and please protect this little baby growing within her.
I hope it is just her body getting rearranged for the womb to grow bigger inside of her.

I love you Lord.  I thank you that you are always near.

Amen.

She did not miscarry.  The baby is growing and doing well.  She had a Subchorionic Hematoma that has since resolved. In a way an SCH is caused by the womb getting rearranged for pregnancy.  

You'll notice that I didn't pray for the will of God to be done, well except for the "So be it" behind the closing Amen.  I was scared of God's permissive will.  I was going for his compassion and mercy as I was afraid for her to suffer any more emotional devastation, and I just want this child so much for her and her family.  

This would fall short of the prayer of a saint in heaven, but that is the subject of another post, probably by someone wiser and more abandoned to God's will than I currently am.  It was a prayer with all the love and compassion God gave me.

2) What evokes the strongest reactions in me that I would like to be able to affect with my intercessory prayers in heaven?

Before I answer this, I have to explain that I believe that any compassion or mercy that I feel toward others is directly due to the working of the Holy Spirit.  I have been and continue to be in many ways blind to the suffering around me.  But in a few instances, the Lord has truly led me.

"I shall lead the blind by a road they do not know, by paths they do not know I shall conduct them." Isaiah 42:16.

St. Leo the Great (died in 461) reflecting on that verse said, "Because of the great love by which he has loved us, God renews his likeness in us.  More importantly, so that he might find in us the reflection of his goodness, he who works in all allows us to work along with himself.  Thus he lights candles in our dark minds and kindles in us the fire of his love in order to make us love not only himself but also whomever he loves." (from the Roman Breviary published in 1908, but more recently in The New Jerusalem Bible:  Saints Devotional Edition which I extremely recommend)

My answer then:

• Abuse of Children:  My eyes were opened to this while sitting on the Grand Jury in Lake County, Illinois for 3 months.  In particular sexual abuse of children is more prevalent than theft and my imagination and heart gasps to think how much of it never comes to light.  The real stories I heard while the attorney sought indictment were very upsetting.  The lesson was more effective as the most frequent victimization seemed to be girls, 11 years old, and my oldest daughter at the time was 11 years old.  I pray for these kids, and especially ask the Blessed Mother to intercede for them when I pray the rosary.  I also read Colleen's book, The Third Floor Window which had me crying for a few days, but was part of God lighting a candle in my dark mind.
• Infant loss as mentioned earlier, inclusive of miscarriage and neonatal loss
• (and relatedly) Abortion.  As another example of God lighting a candle in my dark mind within one week a friend passes on a link from a mom in dark place of mourning due to losing one of her twins in utero.  This same mom lost two twins seven years ago, and as anyone knows that has lost children or knows parents that have lost children, the loss can become fresh, and the hurt deep, and time does not heal all wounds.  In short I was sad and praying for her, especially as she was having trouble praying.  Then I stumble upon Creative Minority drawing attention to a practice of reducing a twin pregnancy to one and the two together within one week really got me upset.  I don't want to judge or be critical but if you caught the article, or read  Sistertoldjah's Write-up on it, it is so upsetting.  I am going to be praying from now on and again when I pray the rosary, and in heaven, should hearts and minds not have changed by then, that women would have the light lit in their dark minds to know that our souls live on love and truth and not deception, and short-term relief.  If you read the story you'll read how one woman asks not to see the overhead ultrasound screen during the procedure, and felt relief afterward.  What you don't read is what the wound in the woman's soul will do to her.  Forgiveness and healing are there when she turns to God as some women have been blessed to find through Project Rachel.
• Infertility:  I had no awareness of the challenges of these couples, and especially the women, as my husband and I are what those who are IF call "Fertiles".  My eyes were opened to this by getting to know someone, and reading her blog, and then the blogs of many others experiencing this trial in the past year.  There were two webpages in particular that summed up my learning:  http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/Managing-Infertility-Stress/emotional-aspects.html and  http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html  I am not advocating anything here in terms of Artificial Reproductive Therapies, just passing on the links in case it helps others  understand there are women, couples experiencing a recurring grief.  There are many of them, as high as 2 in 8 couples.  I was not aware of this before this past year.

Since Infant Loss came up twice in my answers, I will go with that for my patronage.  

I wrote earlier in a post called Praising God Always about how one mother's faith shined in the midst of losing her little girl.  

Also the other night, when I realized I was still not ready to write this, I found these other beautiful passages in Isaiah that I hope will comfort anyone that has experienced child loss.  

  

"I myself shall fight for those who fight you and I myself shall save your children." (Is. 49:25b)

"No more will the sound of weeping be heard there, nor the sound of a shriek;

never again will there be an infant there who lives only a few days . . .

They will not toil in vain,

nor bear children destined to disaster

for they are the race of Yahweh's blessed ones

and so are their offspring.

Thus, before they call I shall answer,

before they stop speaking I shall have heard."  (Is. 65:19b, 20, 23-24)

"As a mother comforts a child,

so I shall comfort you." (Is. 66:13)

"For past troubles will be forgotten

and hidden from my eyes.

For look, I am going to create a new heavens and a new earth,

and the past will not be remembered

and will come no more to mind.

Rather be joyful, be glad for ever at what I am creating . . . .

At the sight your heart will rejoice." (Is. 65:16b-17,66:14)

(this one is good to replace the pronoun so it fits the one reading it--God's word is for you!)

"But I shall heal him,

I shall lead him, fill him with consolation,

him and those who mourn for him,

bringing praise to their lips.

Peace, peace to far and near, Yahweh says,

and I shall heal him." (Is. 57:18b-19)

Finally, to those that feel distant from God and the pain is turning you inward and not toward God as you are doubting love and goodness in the midst of your pain, please remember this wasn't God's plan for us.  There is a book written by someone that experienced repeated infant loss that helps to make sense and come to terms with how there could be such suffering that I would encourage you to read.  Here is the link to the book on Amazon:  Pope John Paul and the Meaning of Suffering.

"Jesus Wept." (Jn 11:35) Statue at Oklahoma City Memorial

I cannot summarize it here, at least not in this post.  It is an amazing book.  I will leave you with one last verse though, and it is one that all parents, parents to be, those struggling with IF and, as is often the case, IF and pregnancy loss, your God does love you.  He will heal you, he will strengthen you, he will bring you to peace.  The peace will not be permanent on this side of eternity, but he will console you as a mother consoles her child.

"Shout for joy, you heavens; earth exult!

Mountains, break forth into joyful cries!

For Yaheweh has consoled his people,

is taking pity on his afflicted ones.

Zion was saying, 'Yahweh has abandoned me,

the Lord has forgotten me.'

Can a woman forget her baby at the breast,

feel no pity for the child she has borne?

Even if these were to forget,

I shall not forget you.

Look I have engraved you on the palms of my hands . . . ." (Is.49:13-16a)

May you who are reading this grow in the holy virtue of confidence in God's care.  I just finished posting great reflection on this passage by St. John Eudes at the Community of Catholic Bloggers.

I am supposed to tag 5 other bloggers for this Meme.  I tag:

Patty "Wilson" P at Celebrating the Spirituality of Motherhood

Abigail at Abigail's Alcove

Aimee at A Catholic Worldview

Joan at O Beauty Ever Ancient Ever New 

Priest's Wife at Fear Not Little Flock

I encourage you to visit Karinann of The Daughter of the King as well as Anne from Imprisoned in My Bones to read their posts from this Meme.